Black Rock

Anyone familiar with O.A.R. might know what a black rock stands for. It basically means you place. The place that you can go to no matter what in life is going right or wrong, this place will always accept you.

----------------a rant lies ahead. nothing profound. just crap that's on my mind.------------

When I lived with my family in Lake Stevens was Sunset Beach. I used to ride my bike every night, 11 1/2 miles from my house, around the lake and to return to my house. I always payed attention to what time the sun was setting, and timed my ride to arrive at the halfway point of Sunset Beach to watch the sunset across the lake. I'd sit there for at least an hour and just think. It was my escape and reality at the same time.

My place in bellingham was the boardwalk connected to Boulevard Park. When I moved to Capitol Hill, my spot was basically anywhere I walked. Any time I needed to think, I just walked.. everywhere. I put in some impressive miles while living there I'm sure. But Wallingford... I have no spot in wallingford.

I think a lot of people's "spot" can be people. Someone they always trust to be able to tell anything to no matter what. Some people are social and have that to lean on when they need to talk things out, get advice, have help, but I have always been kindof a loner. I don't last long in relationships, I don't really date much. I go through phases with being really social, and being really aloof. Through all of that though, I've always had a spot. I spend a lot of time alone. Even when I am social. I feel like life has been throwing me challenge after challenge since moving to Seattle, without giving me much breathing room to recover and get strong enough for the next challenge. I kindof feel like I am getting weaker and weaker instead of stronger. Usually, after tough times I get sad, depressed.. what have you, and then I am filled with this surge of strength. I take my lessons, weigh them and keep going.

I feel like, since I don't really have a spot - a black rock- I don't have a place that isn't cluttered with the things that are troubling me (like my home), to just stare out to, appreciate, and think. I feel kindof pathetic. I was this strong, independant young woman, ready to take on the world, no matter the challenges that confronted me in the future. But now I feel like I just had this terrible thing happen, this not-so-great thing happen, another terrible thing happen, some good things, a couple great things followed by some really terrible things, and a string of not-so-great things. That last string seems to be running on... I wouldn't mind turning that line into a fragment. Something a little less indeterminant. Ugh. I know I'll get that feeling back. I just need to find my place, and I need to remember that it's okay being alone all the time. I forgot how to be okay with that.

My best friend Katrina is leaving to Armenia on May 27th, for 27 months. This is the person I tell everything to. The single person I trust the most, the one person who would do anything at the drop of a hat for me if I needed her. I get really sad that she's leaving. I don't have anyone close to me anymore. My life got too full of foggyness. I forgot how to defragment my brain from time to time and I've let some friendships get lame. I've gotten so caught up in my own blah.. it's not even terrible or great things... it's all just faded into Grey. That my brain stopped thinking. I need to find a place, to defragment, to find my blacks, whites, and greys respectively, and put them where they belong. I need to build healthy friendships, and be happier with myself and my life. I'm generally a pretty damned optimistic person, and I don't think it has anything to do with my "age". I've been through enough crap that most people with even somewhat normal families haven't been through, to be grown up enough to see the world a bit more mature than many my age. I don't care if that sounds ignorant, or egotistical. I've been told it by many, and I believe it's true. I also know how to balance the pain and reality of many things, while too often balancing on the future, with fun, and letting go, and remembering all the amazing simple and complicated things in life that make it unique and incredible. I just need to find that me again.

For those of you, whom I don't talk with much anymore, many of you I hope to talk to more, and if not, it's all good, but seriously, I miss many of my friends. Seriously.